you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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