Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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