Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
