i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
