She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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