Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
