She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
