I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
My liver just had a heart attack.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
