dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
