She's JV to your varsity
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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