What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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