i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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