6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize