I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
