Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
