I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
