Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
