Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
