I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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