Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
