Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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