Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
