My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize