God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
