I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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