she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
