Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
