I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
