I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
