i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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