I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
