She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
