My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
