Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
