I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
