I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
