i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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