My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
