That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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