Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
