I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
