I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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