ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
