the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
