I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
