Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
