do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
