Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
BRING THE BAGELS
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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