critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
