I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize