Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
