i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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