i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
