me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
