i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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