WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize