I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
