oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
