he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
