I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
