If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
