you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
