Umm I'm too high to move.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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