I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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