I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
