i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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